Sunday, 29 May 2011

In which Charlotte gives up the booze.

Following what can only be termed as the two months from hell, I have an announcement. I am officially on the wagon. Yes my friends, I’m dry. No more glasses of vino for this lady, nuh huh. Gin & tonic, Charlotte? No thank you my friend, I’ll just have the tonic. Vodka and coke? Revolting. Fancy a pint? Are you kidding? My body is a temple.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have finally had to face up to the fact that I and alcohol do not mix. Or rather we mix rather too well. Plonk an olive on a cocktail stick behind my ear and you’ve practically got yourself a dry martini.

It’s not that I’m a total lush. I haven’t started reaching for the Special Brew first thing in the morning and the methalated spirit in the garage is, for the time being, safe. I don’t even drink every day – not even every other day. No, the problem with me is that once I’ve had two I just can’t stop. And boy do I become a monster.

Add a very heavy dose of anti-depressants into the mix and a sprinkling of Borderline Personality Disorder (yeah, I’m a shrink’s wet dream) and we have a very potent and self-destructive mix indeed. Think George Best on a bender with Oliver Reed, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan and we’re getting close to a night on the tiles with me.

And despite my atrocious behaviour my husband keeps taking me back. I’ve lost him friends, I’ve blackened his name, I’ve had him arrested and I’ve had myself hospitalized and still, he keeps picking me up and dusting me off.

Last night was the final straw. I admitted something to him – something terrible I had done – in the belief honesty was the better policy. He promptly, and quite understandably, told me that he was going to divorce me. He also told me he was taking the children – and given my Crazy Lady status, I knew he had a very good shot and managing it.

24 hours later and I have had a wake-up call akin to being water-boarded whilst a coastal foghorn bellows in your ear and the entire England rugby team jump up and down on your chest. I can not drink. I will be forgiven (yet again) if I never drink again. I repeat, I can NOT drink.

And so my chums, it is with a fair amount of regret but a positive heart that I join the Orange Juice Brigade. I am now totally safe to invite to weddings. I can once again be relied upon to charm Evil Aunty Brenda and dance with Gropey Hands Uncle Barney without setting fire to my hotel room or throwing up in the chocolate fountain. (I’ve never actually done either of those things but I was gearing up to it.) I will even listen politely to Cousin Barry’s tales from the Concrete and Tarmac Industry. I will not get him pissed and then have a massive row with the Bride’s mother. (Okay. I might have done that one.)

Just keep me on Perrier, okay?


  1. Good for you, Charlotte ;) I know you can do it!! I stopped drinking 15 years ago and haven't looked back (although, believe me, I still do PLENTY of rather ill-advised things without it). I'm rooting for you ;)

  2. Hi Charlotte, (and Sessha ;) its been 15 for me too, it was a big night the Gubnetorial ball, I borrowed my friends 5000 dollar couturier gown, covered it in vomit and snow from where I fell off my heels, sometimes you get lucky and quit before prison or inadvertently killing someone, sometimes you do it before public humiliation number 10 (or so I've heard anyway lol). It doesnt matter its the doing it and the keeping on doing it that matters. I like AA and think no this cant be done alone but if you dont choose that route it looks like you have Sessha and I here to shore you up. Do I miss it, no not once not ever.

  3. Well done Charlotte! I don't drink - period. And people think you're odd because of it. I am known to possibly have 1 shooter or cider on New years every leap year (lol kidding but seriously it's that sporadic) - but stick with it. Drinking ages you, screws up your liver, dehydrates your skin, gives you age spots, and is seriously expensive.

    You're not strange for choosing not to drink (but you'll be surprised how many social gatherings revolve around alcohol) - tough it out babes - you'll be the only one not drinking most of the time - and that's okay too - you never needed to fit in *anyway*

    This is very brave of you - and as a child of an alcoholic - I am thanking you now for stopping - your children deserve a predictable and dependable parent.



  4. Stick with it Charlotte. You've made the right choice (as well you know) and you are bright and entertaining enough to have all the fun you need without losing control. Your writing productivity will soar as well, I'm predicting. Hug to you and your wise, kind, loyal husband and your kids. Be happy together XXX

  5. Thank you guys. I know most social occassions gear around booze so I'll probably be a bit of a party pooper for a while. But as Michele said - I'll get a lot of writing done!

    From the first time I ever got pissed (around age 14) I was always a nightmare the second I was drunk. Time to become a Schloer expert. I've done it before when pregnant so no reason why I can't do it again - it's just that 'life' seems like a rather long time. Then again 'life' won't be so long if I don't quit it now. Unfortunately I have expensive taste in soft drinks - Appletize doesn't come cheap!xx

  6. I wish you luck on your new journey!xx

  7. Wow good for you. I have thought about doing this many times, after those nights when my memory fails me and I have no idea how I got home (thank God i did though). It's really bloody scary and I have a huge amount of admiration for you for giving it up. Bloody well done.

    Good luck xx