Good news. I'm around $28,000,000 richer.

Dear Mr Ubuko, Ms Deo, Mr Akika, Mr Tete, Mr Kones, Ms Kaki and Mr Hassan.

Forgive me for sending this group email – I appreciate that your emails all requested confidentiality but I feel that as you are all in such similar difficulties you will respect each other’s situation. You may, after all, take a little comfort from knowing that you are not alone in your plight.

I really have to tell you that I’m quite overwhelmed that all of you have decided to contact me this morning and that you have each chosen me to help you move $7 million dollars out of Burkino Faso.

I have wracked my brains to try and work out how you came to put your faith in me over the many other gullible good people of this country and can only surmise that you have seen my internet blog and feel that my philanthropic support of the school fayre is testament to my charitable character.

What providence brings us together, for I am indeed such a person!

I must admit concern over the appalling frequency with which people of standing in the African nations fall victim to plane crashes. Do you know that in Europe, airplane crashes are very rare? Yet here we are today and each and everyone of you has lost either parents or husbands in air disasters. Really, I think that if the Western world knew more of the worrying statistics in African air-safety, they would do something to help. Is there an ombudsman for air travel in Burkino Faso? If so I highly recommend that you put in an official complaint.

Furthermore, given that all but one of you are based in Burkino Faso, It breaks my heart to see that so many good and wealthy men have been killed in such a short period of time. Burkino Faso must feel cursed to have lost so many fine men all in such identical circumstances.

With regards to helping you reclaim your funds, I am of course delighted to be of assistance. Simply let me know what you require from me and I will help. Would it be useful to give you my bank account details and address? Just let me know.

In your case Mr Akika, I think it is important we move fast before the ‘wicked stepmother’ you spoke of carries out her evil plan to murder you. Perhaps you would like to stay here until the money comes through? If I was to send you the money for your flight then you could sleep on the sofa until the $7million dollars come through.

Ms Deo – I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. And the fact that you wish to use your 60% of the money to build orphanages and care for your disabled son is so touching. Really, your generosity and humanity brought a tear to my eye.

Unfortunately, I feel nervous about giving financial information over email – there are so many unscrupulous people around! Perhaps you would each be so kind as to give me a postal address where I can send you any information that you require to facilitate the movement of monies into this country.

I have concerns that each of these cases will have high administrative costs and that the accounts that you wish to transfer will not be accessible for sometime. Could you each therefore provide me with a bank account name and account numbers in order for me to wire say, £5000 to each. This should help you in the first instance – though of course I will wish to be reimbursed for this once you receive your share of the money.

What a strange coincidence that each of these accounts have around $7million in them! (With the exception of yours Mr Ukika, which has over $30million dollars in! I admit to some excitement at my forthcoming wealth. God was clearly smiling on me this morning when I chanced to check my ‘Spam’ folder. Thank the Lord I did not delete them!

May I thank you each for choosing me to help you in your respective quandaries. I feel sure that we will each have coming to us what we deserve.

Kindest regards

Mrs-You-Cannot-Be-Fucking-Serious-Castle.